Christian Little

I think it’s about time I posted something completely different on this blog. So today is something a little different - I give you evidence that Princess Toadstool aka Princess Peach was a skanky whore!

First a Bit of Background Information

Name: Princess Toadstool

Known Aliases: Princess Peach, The Princess

Age: Unknown. She was an adult woman when Donkey Kong was first released in 1981 (27 years ago). That would put her at about 47-50 years old (she looks very young for such an old hag).

Affiliations: The Mario Brothers, the Koopa Syndicate, and various mushroom dealers.

Public Appearances: Donkey Kong, Super Mario Brothers 1-3, Super Mario World 1-3, Mario Party 1-2, Paper Mario, and many other games. She frequently appeared as a model for Nintendo Power, the official Nintendo gaming magazine back in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Additionally, she has royalties on several toys such as plushes, dolls, lunch boxes, and various other items.

Record of Sluttyness and Prostitution

Starting in 1985, Princess Toadstool spent the majority of her life captive under the brutal treatment of King Koopa, a giant lizard-like creature. Even though she was merely kept as a pet back then in his dark dungeons, we have photographic evidence that depicts her in situations unlike what you’ve seen with the US army scandals in the middle east.

Despite the low-quality camera resolution, it is quite clearly the Princess being abused by King Koopa in the very first Super Mario Brothers game (released in 1985). This was her first time committing bestiality, but it wouldn’t be the last as she’ll spend the next 20 years being constantly kidnapped by Koopa and his minions and thrown into their dungeons of sexual torture.

Additionally, our sources tell us that Princess Toadstool was a minor at the time of this first games’ release. At first it may seem like she is being raped, but over the next 20 years she is seen in the same position in additional game titles. Because of this, there is grounds for Statutory Rape under US law against the Princess according to the subsection on Female-Male Statutory Rape, in which the female is the one that instigates the act in question.

At the time of release for this first video game, beastiality was considered a misdomeaner under US law for the state of Washington. However that law was ammended in 1995 to be considered a Felony under US Federal Law.

The further show her sluttyness even at this early age, Papparazi have recently come forward with the following video of her “reward” to Mario for rescuing her from the sex dungeons:

From Dungeon Sex Slave to Nurse Toadstool

In 1990 the Princess surprised us yet again with a new form of sexual exploration - she became Nurse Toadstool.

Playing the “doctor-nurse” game is a common form of sexual role play in modern day society (it’s one of the most common forms of sexual roleplaying), so it only made sense that the Princess expanded her sexual adventures into this field of play.

She must have enjoyed the trill of it, as Dr Mario 64 was released in 2001 for the Nintendo 64, and Dr Mario Online Rx for the Nintendo Wii (released May 2008).

According to Aphrodisiology.com, medical fetishes are the 5th most common form of sexual fetishism, and wikipedia states that most sexual fetishes can be tied to chemical imbalances and problems in your brain. Common treatment includes steroids and hormones…just what she needs.

As a side note, I’d like to point out that Princess Toadstool is NOT a licensed nurse. She is therefor misrepresenting herself. The current laws in the US state that a person found to be misrepresenting themselves can be charged up to $10,000 USD (big deal, she’s a princess and is therefor loaded), and/or face 5 years in prison (does she really need to be held captive any more than she already has? that’s what started her problem in the first place!).

Adding Drugs to Her Sexual Adventures

Everybody knows that her hero, Mario, has a thing for mushrooms. The annoying plumber from hell can’t seem to get enough of them, as he’s constantly taking them while trying to rescue her from her prison each game.

However what you probably don’t know is that Princess Toadstool owns the trademarks to all Nintendo Mushrooms. My sources tell me that over the years she’s setup dozens of research labs around the world designed to genetically enhance standard magic mushrooms to make them the super magic mushrooms you see in the game.

Not only is the production of magic mushrooms illegal, but consuming them is a felony as they are considered a Schedule 1 controlled substance under US law. Because of this, we can add several additional charges of drug paraphernalia, intent to distribute, and possession of illegal substances to the list of charges we’ve already outlined above.

From Innuendo to Full Blown Porn

Sometime in 2007 a secret video started making appearances around the internet in the same fashion as the Paris Hilton sex tapes:

Now I haven’t witnesses the film myself, but it was a large hit on YouTube before it drew too much attention and Nintendo issued a Ceast & Desist order against YouTube for showing the videos on their website.

One of the most notable features of this video was the appearance of Ron Jeremy, the king of all pornstars, who played the role of Super Mario (shown in picture to the right). Mr Jeremy’s agent refused to make comment about his role in this video, however our legal team has discovered documents stating he did the video for free as it was one of his sexual fantasies ever since he started out in the porn industry.

Witnesses to this video claim it involved her in a large variety of sexual situations and positions, including gang bangings by a team of midget toadstools (including her faithful companion Toad that joined her in the mid 1990’s), as well as facials by the Mario brothers, and several very explicit S&M scenes involving scat, bloodletting, and pain. Rumor has it that it was all filmed in the Tower of London and backed by a rich sponsor, but the details on who this backer is are currently a mystery.

She Got Knocked Up

Just like the Spears family, Princess Toadstool’s next foul was earlier this year when it became public knowledge that she had become pregnant! Hoping to capitalize on this, she released a portfolio of body shots during her pregnancy to various magazines (whichever one bid the highest price of course). Howeer none of the pictures made it to print, as Nintendo executed their legal rights to all such imagery and seized them.

It’s currently believed that while she kept the baby, it was not human and has since remained a deep dark secret. I believe that it’s a koopa-human hybrid living in a secret medical facility created by Nintendo out in the Navada Desert (just like Area 51).

When asked, Nintendo refused to make any comments about the bastard child of the Princess. However if it was indeed Mario’s child as they would have us believe, then why all the secrecy? After all it would make a great marketing method for Nintendo and give them opportunities to make games like The Sims. They could even create Supper Mario Wedding Party and other such games to compliment it, and try and corner in on the underage pregnancy market that they have yet to capitalize on.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that they discovered it wasn’t his baby and trying to sweep it under the rug so nobody knew about it. And since it wasn’t public knowledge in the first place that she had gotten knocked up, I would even go so far to suggest that Nintendo knew their slutty little princess didn’t like using condoms when getting rammed by King Koopa.

However this does give the opportunity for other great game titles such as Conspiracy at the Palace. It could also be expanded to tv programming content, such as the show Intervention.

From Animated Characters to Hentai

During her pregnancy she obviously wouldn’t be able to make appearances in video games, afterall who would want to rescue a cranky, fat, knocked-up princess instead of the cute, loveable, untouched girl that Nintendo has branded her as?

Desperate for work, she turned back to her roots where animation all started - Japan. It was with a private firm that she negotiated a deal to appear in several graphic novels. The agreement was made such that the material would not be allowed in North America, as she didn’t want to risk ruining her reputation there and losing her juicy Nintendo contract.

Rumor has it that there is a animated version of these graphic novels being created right now, and is expected to be released in Japan in early 2009. It will feature Princess Toadstool facing a variety of sexual situations not unlike the famous Hentai Cool Devices. Additionally, they are said to be using motion-capture technology for this series.

What a Skank

I hope I’ve opened your eyes with this startling news. I know some of you grew up with figures like Mario, Princess Toadstool, and the mushroom kingdom. But it’s a real shocker when you start putting information together and seeing the real picture behind such a person.

I’d also like to point out that Princess Toadstool is a public media icon these days, and has the influence over our children. What kind of example is Nintendo setting with a girl that is constantly getting sexually abused in dark dungeons by giant lizards and runs an illegal mushroom operation on th side?

Stay tuned! I’ll have more exciting coverage of other great icons of geek generation in weeks to come!

Related Links

• Super Mario Brothers on Wikipedia
• Donkey Kong on Wikipedia
• Animal Cruelty Laws in the US
• Statutory Rape in the US
• Dr Mario
• Aphrodisiology.com
• Sexual Fetishism on wikipedia
• Misrepresentation Law on Justica
• Magic mushrooms on wikipedia
• Ron Jeremy